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The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work
The structure of modern successful marriages is revealed in this inspiring and useful new perspective on the most important relationship a human being can have.
The institution of marriage in America is struggling. But as Eli Finkel's most recent research reveals, the best marriages today are better than the best marriages of earlier eras. Indeed, they are the best marriages the world has ever known. Still, the quality of the average marriage is in decline. This book reverse engineers the best marriages--from the "traditional" to the utterly nontraditional--showing how any marriage can be better.
Why do some celebrity marriages work and others don't? Finkel provides insight into the lives of household names such as Elizabeth Gilbert and Neil Strauss, as well as one marriage that delivered three Olympic gold medals in 2016. Finkel digs deeper with a sweeping historic overview showing that the primary function of marriage from 1776 to 1850 was food, shelter, and protection from violence. From 1850 to 1965, the purpose revolved around love and companionship. Nowadays, marriage is all about self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth. (Will your spouse give you that?) Ultimately, this much-needed book delivers practical advice for immediate action as well as long-term strategies: seven "love hacks" that take little time or reflection; four categories of how to channel greater levels of effort; and three ways of recalibrating the marriage so expectations match reality--and happiness can flourish.
The institution of marriage in America is struggling. But as Eli Finkel's most recent research reveals, the best marriages today are better than the best marriages of earlier eras. Indeed, they are the best marriages the world has ever known. Still, the quality of the average marriage is in decline. This book reverse engineers the best marriages--from the "traditional" to the utterly nontraditional--showing how any marriage can be better.
Why do some celebrity marriages work and others don't? Finkel provides insight into the lives of household names such as Elizabeth Gilbert and Neil Strauss, as well as one marriage that delivered three Olympic gold medals in 2016. Finkel digs deeper with a sweeping historic overview showing that the primary function of marriage from 1776 to 1850 was food, shelter, and protection from violence. From 1850 to 1965, the purpose revolved around love and companionship. Nowadays, marriage is all about self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth. (Will your spouse give you that?) Ultimately, this much-needed book delivers practical advice for immediate action as well as long-term strategies: seven "love hacks" that take little time or reflection; four categories of how to channel greater levels of effort; and three ways of recalibrating the marriage so expectations match reality--and happiness can flourish.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published September 19, 2017
About the author
Eli J. Finkel
4 books41 followersEli J. Finkel is a professor at Northwestern University, where he has appointments in the psychology department and the Kellogg School of Management. He directs Northwestern’s Relationships and Motivation Lab, and is a regular contributor to the Op-Ed page of The New York Times. He lives in Evanston with his wife, two kids, and a stepcat. Visit him at http://elifinkel.com/ or on twitter at @EliJFinkel.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 208 reviews
December 15, 2017
This is a kitchen sink advice book on marriage. A bunch of social science studies and some random advice and quotes. He quotes Ester Parel, Alain De Bottom and Gottman. Just go and read those books. There was nothing new here--although I suppose it is always useful to be reminded to hug your spouse, lower your expectations, and give them the benefit of the doubt.
February 27, 2018
Skip this book.
It's not horrible, but there are way, way, way better books out there.
First: The first 3/4 (yes, 3/4) of the book is the culture history of marriage. Important, but the book would be more honestly titled "The Culture and History" of marriage. While an understanding of the cultural changes in the nature and expectations around marriage is critical, to see how this is done well I encourage the interested reader to turn to the spectacular book: Love Sense by Sue Johnson. Her work is superb on all accounts - and it would be my first recommendation for those looking for an engaging, well written, highly-researched, and thoughtful book on the subject.
Second: The tips in the remaining 1/4 of the book are fairly pedestrian and poor. Again, I would direct those interested in the topic to Love Sense by Sue Johnson as far superior.
So this book is basically a waste of time.
For those interested in the topic: Love Sense by Sue Johnson, The works of John Gottman, Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin (or his outstanding audiobook Your Brain on Love), or How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about it are all worthy of your attention.
It's not horrible, but there are way, way, way better books out there.
First: The first 3/4 (yes, 3/4) of the book is the culture history of marriage. Important, but the book would be more honestly titled "The Culture and History" of marriage. While an understanding of the cultural changes in the nature and expectations around marriage is critical, to see how this is done well I encourage the interested reader to turn to the spectacular book: Love Sense by Sue Johnson. Her work is superb on all accounts - and it would be my first recommendation for those looking for an engaging, well written, highly-researched, and thoughtful book on the subject.
Second: The tips in the remaining 1/4 of the book are fairly pedestrian and poor. Again, I would direct those interested in the topic to Love Sense by Sue Johnson as far superior.
So this book is basically a waste of time.
For those interested in the topic: Love Sense by Sue Johnson, The works of John Gottman, Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin (or his outstanding audiobook Your Brain on Love), or How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about it are all worthy of your attention.
March 28, 2022
Contrary to most readers, I write with an atypical view.
I grew up in Tamil Nadu, India.
Often, I compare Tamil Nadu and West, seeking evidences to come up with insights, conclusions.
My narrative of Marriage comes from Tamil Nadu, India which is at odds with Western World.
1. How is at odds?
From One of the many points,
Marriage is a display of family honor [Tamil-Nadu]
Marriage is a personal choice or private matter [West]
Therefore, I took a journey to discover differences.
2. Who would you recommend this work?
Mostly to casual readers, anyone who want to know mainstream culture of America.
Does not apply to non-Western Culture,
Majority of World's population.
3. So, Would this be relevant to Tamil People?
No
4. What are my own thoughts on this work?
Before you read this work, ask the following questions
Western Culture:
1. What is the goal of your life?
2. How would you define success?
3. What does a meaningful life look for you?
Tamil Culture:
1. What is the goal of your family?
2. How does your family define success?
3. How does a meaningful life look for your family?
While back, a Stanford B.S in Computer Science Educated CEO from Bangalore, said, his goal in life is to optimize everything, tweak his entire life for maximum output = Money
Would you agree with him?
For him, marriage is a way to optimize his life, like an algorithm.
So, I'd label his view of marriage as, "Business theory of Performance based Marriage" devoid of meta-narratives.
Growing up in Tirunelveli, Tamil Nadu, India;
The narrative of Marriage choice depended on
1) caste
2) religion
3) socio-economic background
Tamil Nadu’s Institution of marriage is forged by customs, traditions & religion, safe-guarded by older generation. Within Tamil Marriages - Personal choice is part of family’s broader decision in marriage.
Post-marriage in Tamil Nadu is "adjust pani vaalanum" , [Tamil] adjust with each other, live life. [English]
5. I don't have much time, but what is the meat of this work?
Well, turn to page 162 in this work.
He says,
"At its core, the all-or-nothing theory of marriage is a supply-and-demand model:
Are, two of us investing enough resources—and the right kinds of resources —to meet the needs we’re seeking to fulfill through the marriage?
This analysis offers three types of strategies for improving marriage.
We can,
(1) try to get more mileage out of our available resources,
(2) invest additional resources in pursuit of large rewards at the summit,
or (3) recalibrate expectations to stave off disappointment.
The first two of these strategies focus on the supply side (either by enhancing efficiency or increasing investment),
whereas the third focuses on the demand side (by descending Mount Maslow or otherwise asking less of the marriage)."
My thoughts: Good luck in applying marriage as an optimization problem
6. What are the things, that I see lacking in this work?
The Author missed a core crucial important assumption, “Worldview”
The Author before fleshing out his research, experiments, data points, might wanted to have written his, “First-Principles”
The Author, albeit not fleshing out his Worldview;
--I as a reader, would infer his data, experiments and work fitting into Worldview called, "Business theory of Performance based Marriage"
The Author’s goal of marriage is success, defined subjectively.
This book is incomplete, because it does not including religious traditions.
Anyone who has read history, could bring up points saying, it has shaped marriage.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
I grew up in Tamil Nadu, India.
Often, I compare Tamil Nadu and West, seeking evidences to come up with insights, conclusions.
My narrative of Marriage comes from Tamil Nadu, India which is at odds with Western World.
1. How is at odds?
From One of the many points,
Marriage is a display of family honor [Tamil-Nadu]
Marriage is a personal choice or private matter [West]
Therefore, I took a journey to discover differences.
2. Who would you recommend this work?
Mostly to casual readers, anyone who want to know mainstream culture of America.
Does not apply to non-Western Culture,
Majority of World's population.
3. So, Would this be relevant to Tamil People?
No
4. What are my own thoughts on this work?
Before you read this work, ask the following questions
Western Culture:
1. What is the goal of your life?
2. How would you define success?
3. What does a meaningful life look for you?
Tamil Culture:
1. What is the goal of your family?
2. How does your family define success?
3. How does a meaningful life look for your family?
While back, a Stanford B.S in Computer Science Educated CEO from Bangalore, said, his goal in life is to optimize everything, tweak his entire life for maximum output = Money
Would you agree with him?
For him, marriage is a way to optimize his life, like an algorithm.
So, I'd label his view of marriage as, "Business theory of Performance based Marriage" devoid of meta-narratives.
Growing up in Tirunelveli, Tamil Nadu, India;
The narrative of Marriage choice depended on
1) caste
2) religion
3) socio-economic background
Tamil Nadu’s Institution of marriage is forged by customs, traditions & religion, safe-guarded by older generation. Within Tamil Marriages - Personal choice is part of family’s broader decision in marriage.
Post-marriage in Tamil Nadu is "adjust pani vaalanum" , [Tamil] adjust with each other, live life. [English]
5. I don't have much time, but what is the meat of this work?
Well, turn to page 162 in this work.
He says,
"At its core, the all-or-nothing theory of marriage is a supply-and-demand model:
Are, two of us investing enough resources—and the right kinds of resources —to meet the needs we’re seeking to fulfill through the marriage?
This analysis offers three types of strategies for improving marriage.
We can,
(1) try to get more mileage out of our available resources,
(2) invest additional resources in pursuit of large rewards at the summit,
or (3) recalibrate expectations to stave off disappointment.
The first two of these strategies focus on the supply side (either by enhancing efficiency or increasing investment),
whereas the third focuses on the demand side (by descending Mount Maslow or otherwise asking less of the marriage)."
My thoughts: Good luck in applying marriage as an optimization problem
6. What are the things, that I see lacking in this work?
The Author missed a core crucial important assumption, “Worldview”
The Author before fleshing out his research, experiments, data points, might wanted to have written his, “First-Principles”
The Author, albeit not fleshing out his Worldview;
--I as a reader, would infer his data, experiments and work fitting into Worldview called, "Business theory of Performance based Marriage"
The Author’s goal of marriage is success, defined subjectively.
This book is incomplete, because it does not including religious traditions.
Anyone who has read history, could bring up points saying, it has shaped marriage.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
November 7, 2017
The first portion of this book, in which Finkel briefly (and, admittedly, generally) traces the history of the marriage relationship in Western society and what we, collectively, have tended to ask of the relationship over time was well-written, well-researched, and easy to follow, yet thought-provoking and eye-opening at the same time. I kept thinking, that makes so much sense, I can totally see that, and wow, looking at it that way explains so much of what I see around me and experience myself. To me, this was five-star brief history of the marriage relationship as a cultural artifact.
Then the book switches to the "self-help" portion. Finkel clearly dislikes the label, and even directly mentions it with a reluctant, grudging tone as the section starts. It takes up a significant portion of the book and presents a single idea that didn't either make me go, "Well of course," in an annoyed fashion, not in realization or happy agreement, "duh!", or "Oh, hell no." The two ideas that I found worth walking away with from this section are easily drawn from its first bits and are surrounded for the most part by detritus. They are (1) Be intentional and explicit about what you hope to get out of your marriage, and (2) Be willing to be practical about your marriage and what you expect of it in the moments in life where crap happens as it inevitably does.
I liked it just enough to push through the second-half while reading nearly all of what was there, so the over all book comes out a touch better than just okay, but it's not something I'd rave about or push anyone who didn't reveal an interest in the specific subject matter to read.
Then the book switches to the "self-help" portion. Finkel clearly dislikes the label, and even directly mentions it with a reluctant, grudging tone as the section starts. It takes up a significant portion of the book and presents a single idea that didn't either make me go, "Well of course," in an annoyed fashion, not in realization or happy agreement, "duh!", or "Oh, hell no." The two ideas that I found worth walking away with from this section are easily drawn from its first bits and are surrounded for the most part by detritus. They are (1) Be intentional and explicit about what you hope to get out of your marriage, and (2) Be willing to be practical about your marriage and what you expect of it in the moments in life where crap happens as it inevitably does.
I liked it just enough to push through the second-half while reading nearly all of what was there, so the over all book comes out a touch better than just okay, but it's not something I'd rave about or push anyone who didn't reveal an interest in the specific subject matter to read.
December 18, 2017
I listened to the audiobook of "The All-Or-Nothing Marriage" without reading the description. Eli Finkel is an incredibly smart, prolific, and charismatic figure in my field, so I knew I'd be interested in whatever he had to say. I enjoyed the entire book, but because it contains two distinct sections (with overarching themes), it seems like some readers aren't equally game for both parts. The first part is more of a historical/sociological journey through the evolution of the concept of marriage. The second is an applied "how to" section that describes strategies to improve relationships based on research. I'm a bigger fan of the latter, and I appreciated the pragmatic approach Eli takes in framing strategies as low vs. high effort and impact. If you haven't read or studied the history of marriage before, though, the first part is an excellent summary.
November 14, 2020
Eli Finkel's work is frequently recommended by Esther Perel and this is how I ended up learning about his book. In what has been a fraught year for everyone (no, really, 2020 is just the fucking worst), this is perhaps not exactly the kind of book that I thought I would be reading. But things being what they are, I also perhaps expected slightly more of it. On the surface, and particularly if you're familiar with Perel's work, Finkel looks at the history of marriage from a similar lens: how it went from being about ownership of property and expectations of continuing the family line to moving into romantic love and in more recent times, the pursuit of self-expression and lofty goals through your marriage. It's not necessarily revolutionary in that way, and again I'd heard it all before from Perel, but it sets the scene for why marriages seem to break down more these days: that we expect a lot from them, that culturally we put a lot of pressure on the marriage and that we're also told, through media and stories, that our marriage is the culmination of our adult relationships. Your "happily ever after" happens and then you just live in marital bliss forever. But it doesn't teach out how to handle conflict, change, disappointment, grief or stress. In a culture dedicated to the individual and their pursuit of happiness, it becomes very easy to simply suggest walking away from something that is not fulfilling right now and forget about the wider picture. It lacks imagination for what could be (and this obviously doesn't assume an abusive marriage because no, absolutely never stay in any abusive relationship).
For a relatively short book though, I felt that there wasn't a lot of substance here. The first part, on the history of marriage, is very Western-centric (the whole book is, really), but at least it's engaging, even if I myself am familiar with the topic and approach. It's well laid out, it traces a clear history of what has been and why Western marriages are the way they are, and it follows a logical trajectory. If you're familiar with this school of thought in terms of marriage evolution, then I really do recommend it, because at least on paper it reads like a really well thought-out and well-written part of the book. It's probably my favourite part by a long shot and then... then I hit a wall. Because the part that would classify as "self-help" (a term that Finkel himself despises), the lovehacks, the ideas for how to improve your marriage - they're nice, but they feel slightly trite. Like... yes you should cut your partner some slack, you should adjust expectations, more than anything you should see them as human (and flawed), just like you are. But I wish Finkel had spent a bit more time on this, on why it matters, on what happens when you don't do it (beside the obvious of the marriage breaking down), because it just comes across as a bit of a to-do list.
I also wish that the value of having mediators (couples counsellors) was addressed a bit more. Having the ability to discuss issues and conflict with a neutral third party can be incredibly valuable. There is a lot that couples can do (both individually and together) and I do not want to devalue that, but sometimes to really understand the other person, you need someone to adjust your perspective, to explain certain types of trauma, to give you pointers. In the same way that you shouldn't expect your partner to be everything to you at all times, you should reach out for that kind of support (and in general I am a huge proponent of therapy, because finding the right therapist can do absolute wonders for your mental health and help you explore some really difficult and thorny problems about yourself). The lovehacks, the adjustments, they're all fine, but sometimes that additional support can add a dimension and a depth to your relationship/marriage that you might not have been able to hit by yourselves.
Overall, The All-or-Nothing Marriage is a fine, general intro to the ideas of marriage lovehacks, to expectation adjustment, to how to plan for a relationship that is fulfilling and how to learn when to ask for that fulfillment from either friends, family or more importantly yourself. It didn't blow me away, but it's not a bad read if this is something you're thinking about. It's a springboard for I hope deeper conversations and more self-reflection.
For a relatively short book though, I felt that there wasn't a lot of substance here. The first part, on the history of marriage, is very Western-centric (the whole book is, really), but at least it's engaging, even if I myself am familiar with the topic and approach. It's well laid out, it traces a clear history of what has been and why Western marriages are the way they are, and it follows a logical trajectory. If you're familiar with this school of thought in terms of marriage evolution, then I really do recommend it, because at least on paper it reads like a really well thought-out and well-written part of the book. It's probably my favourite part by a long shot and then... then I hit a wall. Because the part that would classify as "self-help" (a term that Finkel himself despises), the lovehacks, the ideas for how to improve your marriage - they're nice, but they feel slightly trite. Like... yes you should cut your partner some slack, you should adjust expectations, more than anything you should see them as human (and flawed), just like you are. But I wish Finkel had spent a bit more time on this, on why it matters, on what happens when you don't do it (beside the obvious of the marriage breaking down), because it just comes across as a bit of a to-do list.
I also wish that the value of having mediators (couples counsellors) was addressed a bit more. Having the ability to discuss issues and conflict with a neutral third party can be incredibly valuable. There is a lot that couples can do (both individually and together) and I do not want to devalue that, but sometimes to really understand the other person, you need someone to adjust your perspective, to explain certain types of trauma, to give you pointers. In the same way that you shouldn't expect your partner to be everything to you at all times, you should reach out for that kind of support (and in general I am a huge proponent of therapy, because finding the right therapist can do absolute wonders for your mental health and help you explore some really difficult and thorny problems about yourself). The lovehacks, the adjustments, they're all fine, but sometimes that additional support can add a dimension and a depth to your relationship/marriage that you might not have been able to hit by yourselves.
Overall, The All-or-Nothing Marriage is a fine, general intro to the ideas of marriage lovehacks, to expectation adjustment, to how to plan for a relationship that is fulfilling and how to learn when to ask for that fulfillment from either friends, family or more importantly yourself. It didn't blow me away, but it's not a bad read if this is something you're thinking about. It's a springboard for I hope deeper conversations and more self-reflection.
December 22, 2017
I really liked this book, and would recommend it for anyone who is interested in the hows and whys of making a successful long term marriage, whether just starting or many years in.
This book has three distinct sections: 1) a brief history of Western cultural models of marriage, 2) an in depth explanation of the “best” marriages of today, and 3) practical ideas for improving one’s own marriage.
The first section was a great summary of (basically) Coontz’s “Marriage: A History,” which I loved. The second was a great sequel to that book, explaining what today’s marriage model looks like, and how it is making “the best marriages better and the average marriages worse.”
The second had some good sociological explanations for trends in the US, but because it wasn’t a whole book of just this, did simplify or ignore many factors. “We’ll have to leave for other books how political orientation and geography influence marriage; how immigrants and their children are buffeted by crosscutting cultural currents; how slavery, Jim Crow, and mass incarceration have influenced African-American marriage; how many social welfare policies, including the Social Security Act and the G.I. Bill, benefited white families more than racial minority families; and countless other aspects of variation across social groups in America.” It does touch on economics and social class, but this isn’t a sociology book as much as it’s a relationships book. Change your expectations accordingly or be disappointed.
The third section was a self-help book, except that it did what few self help books do: base their recommendations in quality research. I usually hate self help books, because even if they’re written by someone credible like a therapist, it’s all anecdotes and opinions. This book gives study after study of results and trends to back up some great common sense relationship-building techniques and ideas.
All in all, a little bit of everything in a pretty good book. I’d recommend it to anyone looking for a great analysis of modern marriage and how to make it work for themselves. For more history or more sociology, look elsewhere.
Edit: also forgot to mention how much I loved this book’s dislike/dismissal of the writer/MC of Eat Pray Love. Seriously, this book HATES her and insults that book, her failures of relationships, and her journey of “self discovery” and it’s so great. Ditto Wild, and all the books like these two.
This book has three distinct sections: 1) a brief history of Western cultural models of marriage, 2) an in depth explanation of the “best” marriages of today, and 3) practical ideas for improving one’s own marriage.
The first section was a great summary of (basically) Coontz’s “Marriage: A History,” which I loved. The second was a great sequel to that book, explaining what today’s marriage model looks like, and how it is making “the best marriages better and the average marriages worse.”
The second had some good sociological explanations for trends in the US, but because it wasn’t a whole book of just this, did simplify or ignore many factors. “We’ll have to leave for other books how political orientation and geography influence marriage; how immigrants and their children are buffeted by crosscutting cultural currents; how slavery, Jim Crow, and mass incarceration have influenced African-American marriage; how many social welfare policies, including the Social Security Act and the G.I. Bill, benefited white families more than racial minority families; and countless other aspects of variation across social groups in America.” It does touch on economics and social class, but this isn’t a sociology book as much as it’s a relationships book. Change your expectations accordingly or be disappointed.
The third section was a self-help book, except that it did what few self help books do: base their recommendations in quality research. I usually hate self help books, because even if they’re written by someone credible like a therapist, it’s all anecdotes and opinions. This book gives study after study of results and trends to back up some great common sense relationship-building techniques and ideas.
All in all, a little bit of everything in a pretty good book. I’d recommend it to anyone looking for a great analysis of modern marriage and how to make it work for themselves. For more history or more sociology, look elsewhere.
Edit: also forgot to mention how much I loved this book’s dislike/dismissal of the writer/MC of Eat Pray Love. Seriously, this book HATES her and insults that book, her failures of relationships, and her journey of “self discovery” and it’s so great. Ditto Wild, and all the books like these two.
November 17, 2017
This is a good overview on modern marriage. It is comprehensive and touches on almost all aspects.
1. Marriage rate has been dropping, and divorce rate rising then stabilising.
2. Marriage satisfaction has become much more important to life satisfaction.
3. However, marriage satisfaction has been dropping.
4. So the All-or-Nothing Marriage of the modern world. In the bad old days, we marry for survival: men worked the fields, women made clothes, cooked and the kids helped out. Industrialisation has freed us from this to romantic marriage. Now we marry because we want to, not because we have to. So we expect a lot more.
5. Of course inequality affects this as in all other aspects: richer couples are marrying each other and divorce rate amongst them are now lower than before. Poor people are divorcing more. Contrary to common belief, it is not because they don't value marriage. They do, but one unlucky event (like being evicted from home) can just break the marriage.
Love hacks:
1. Give your spouse benefit of the doubt when your spouse does something negative to you
2. Attribute all good characteristics to your spouse when your spouse does something nice to you
3. Invest time and energy in your marriage
4. Have couple time without kids
5. Do fun things together
Recalibrate:
1. Lower your expectations; when one is sick/depressed/absent try to hang on and live for another day
2. Have other support people to fulfil hobbies that you like but your spouse doesn't
The author also explored alternative forms of marriage. Obviously that is not for everyone. Interestingly polygamy had been happening in Chinese societies for the longest time, and much misery had resulted from unhappiness amongst the different wives and their children. So it's hard to think that it will work out well in the modern age...
Overall and excellent book on modern marriage.
1. Marriage rate has been dropping, and divorce rate rising then stabilising.
2. Marriage satisfaction has become much more important to life satisfaction.
3. However, marriage satisfaction has been dropping.
4. So the All-or-Nothing Marriage of the modern world. In the bad old days, we marry for survival: men worked the fields, women made clothes, cooked and the kids helped out. Industrialisation has freed us from this to romantic marriage. Now we marry because we want to, not because we have to. So we expect a lot more.
5. Of course inequality affects this as in all other aspects: richer couples are marrying each other and divorce rate amongst them are now lower than before. Poor people are divorcing more. Contrary to common belief, it is not because they don't value marriage. They do, but one unlucky event (like being evicted from home) can just break the marriage.
Love hacks:
1. Give your spouse benefit of the doubt when your spouse does something negative to you
2. Attribute all good characteristics to your spouse when your spouse does something nice to you
3. Invest time and energy in your marriage
4. Have couple time without kids
5. Do fun things together
Recalibrate:
1. Lower your expectations; when one is sick/depressed/absent try to hang on and live for another day
2. Have other support people to fulfil hobbies that you like but your spouse doesn't
The author also explored alternative forms of marriage. Obviously that is not for everyone. Interestingly polygamy had been happening in Chinese societies for the longest time, and much misery had resulted from unhappiness amongst the different wives and their children. So it's hard to think that it will work out well in the modern age...
Overall and excellent book on modern marriage.
August 28, 2022
Vale pela selecção de estatísticas e sua análise. Pena que seja apenas sobre a realidade dos EUA.
October 12, 2017
Sometimes books come to us at the right time for us. And I have been ruminating on this book in a sense for the past two weeks (among being REALLY busy & buried in work). But I took a lot away from this book and I see where I may have had failures of my own but also why they were so acute. And also this book goes very deep into how marriage is changing. Marriages that work are stronger in today's society than they were before. And a big reason as the book points to is that even though we have social media our circles of friends and people we talk to is often collapsing. We have our partners and not much else. We put a lot on our partners and if we are tending to that relationship we are thriving if we neglect it our partners & us can feel really alone in a way that is devastating.
- More people are getting married older now. It is often seen (as I thought it was in my marriage) as a capstone. Like a way of signalling to the world that you made it. You found the one.
- In modern marriages today the Michelangelo effect impacts us. We all want to shape our partners and we want to mold them. We also want to be in sync with them. In many ways this becomes acute when someone goes into crisis and the other partner isn't. The difference is glaring.
- We want our marriages to give us love of course but we also want our partners to give US meaning. We want to see meaning in our partners for US. The idea of finding your own meaning can sometimes get lost in that. With our partners we can grow to a point where we almost assume their identities. It influences us that much.
- There is a difference between the happiness based model and the meaning based model. A high percentage of happiness for married couples comes from the 'positive delusions' they have of their partners. We sometimes assign our partners superhuman capability. In my own marriage I saw this sour and I know I'm know I wasn't seen positively...I was seen in ways where I felt mocked or belittled. It stung.
- When people bring strong beliefs into the marriage and they don't mesh it's devastating. When they do mesh it makes each partner stronger.
- The most powerful quote in this book for me? "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." That speaks volumes.
Really good book all around...
- More people are getting married older now. It is often seen (as I thought it was in my marriage) as a capstone. Like a way of signalling to the world that you made it. You found the one.
- In modern marriages today the Michelangelo effect impacts us. We all want to shape our partners and we want to mold them. We also want to be in sync with them. In many ways this becomes acute when someone goes into crisis and the other partner isn't. The difference is glaring.
- We want our marriages to give us love of course but we also want our partners to give US meaning. We want to see meaning in our partners for US. The idea of finding your own meaning can sometimes get lost in that. With our partners we can grow to a point where we almost assume their identities. It influences us that much.
- There is a difference between the happiness based model and the meaning based model. A high percentage of happiness for married couples comes from the 'positive delusions' they have of their partners. We sometimes assign our partners superhuman capability. In my own marriage I saw this sour and I know I'm know I wasn't seen positively...I was seen in ways where I felt mocked or belittled. It stung.
- When people bring strong beliefs into the marriage and they don't mesh it's devastating. When they do mesh it makes each partner stronger.
- The most powerful quote in this book for me? "Expectations are resentments waiting to happen." That speaks volumes.
Really good book all around...
March 24, 2018
Não, este não é um livro típico de auto-ajuda. É um livro, até bastante científico. Não nos revela frases inspiradoras nem listas de actividades para salvar um casamento.
Vejamos...
Ainda que o título deste livro nos remeta para o conceito de "casamento", o que é nele tratado serve para qualquer pessoa numa relação/namoro/união de facto. Os resultados científicos divulgados e certos aspectos sócio-culturais e históricos são relativos aos Estados Unidos, mas também é possível adaptar muitas dessas ideias a outros países ocidentais (como Portugal). Gostaria de também destacar a tal contextualização histórica, social e cultural das relações humanas, além dos paradigmas psicológicos, é claro. Por isso é que este não é um livro de auto-ajuda como muitos dos famosos "O Segredo" ou qualquer outro alegadamente escrito por celebridades ou gente "ilustre", para vender na época do Natal. Diria até que é mais da área da sociologia e da psicologia, sem entrar em devaneios mundanos.
Mesmo sendo um livro que reúne imensos resultados de estudos científicos, a linguagem usada é apropriada para leigos, de forma a que a ciência os/nos possa ajudar a melhorar as nossas vidas, aplicando estudos sérios na resolução de problemas reais. (Não considero isso, pelo menos, a típica "auto-ajuda" que lemos em muitos livros e que deixa muito a desejar.)
Este também não é um livro necessariamente recomendado para quem se esteja a separar/divorciar. Antes pelo contrário, deve ser lido por todos aqueles que têm curiosidade sobre como trazer o máximo de felicidade às suas vidas partilhadas em casal, ou que se interessem simplesmente por ciências humanas e comportamentais, independentemente da idade, estatuto social, estado civil, origem, expectativas para o futuro...
Vejamos...
Ainda que o título deste livro nos remeta para o conceito de "casamento", o que é nele tratado serve para qualquer pessoa numa relação/namoro/união de facto. Os resultados científicos divulgados e certos aspectos sócio-culturais e históricos são relativos aos Estados Unidos, mas também é possível adaptar muitas dessas ideias a outros países ocidentais (como Portugal). Gostaria de também destacar a tal contextualização histórica, social e cultural das relações humanas, além dos paradigmas psicológicos, é claro. Por isso é que este não é um livro de auto-ajuda como muitos dos famosos "O Segredo" ou qualquer outro alegadamente escrito por celebridades ou gente "ilustre", para vender na época do Natal. Diria até que é mais da área da sociologia e da psicologia, sem entrar em devaneios mundanos.
Mesmo sendo um livro que reúne imensos resultados de estudos científicos, a linguagem usada é apropriada para leigos, de forma a que a ciência os/nos possa ajudar a melhorar as nossas vidas, aplicando estudos sérios na resolução de problemas reais. (Não considero isso, pelo menos, a típica "auto-ajuda" que lemos em muitos livros e que deixa muito a desejar.)
Este também não é um livro necessariamente recomendado para quem se esteja a separar/divorciar. Antes pelo contrário, deve ser lido por todos aqueles que têm curiosidade sobre como trazer o máximo de felicidade às suas vidas partilhadas em casal, ou que se interessem simplesmente por ciências humanas e comportamentais, independentemente da idade, estatuto social, estado civil, origem, expectativas para o futuro...
June 11, 2018
This isn't really a self-help book; most of the book is an academic examination of the history of marriage and the recent changes in marriage in the last century, the repercussions of which we're still working through. It's only in the fourth part of the book that the author gives some suggestions on how to improve your marriage, or figure out how to be happy with the marriage you have.
To oversimplify the history of marriage: It has been working its way up Mazlow's heirarchy. From the medieval pragmatic marriage (get you a spouse who can farm) to the industrial love marriage (get you a spouse who makes you happy) we have reached the postindustrial self-expressive marriage (get you a spouse who helps you be better). This modern marriage has its own challenges, but the author argues that when it works – when it's nurtured – it's by far the richest, most satisfying kind of marriage yet.
I'm not going to give away any of Finkel's tips here (mainly because I'm too tired to synthesize them usefully) but the subtext is that having a great marriage takes work, patience, and a willingness to communicate and compromise. It's worth picking up the book just for this section, because it contains clear and actionable advice.
Note that this is a very American-centric book. Most of the research referred to is American, and the examples and cultural references are American.
To oversimplify the history of marriage: It has been working its way up Mazlow's heirarchy. From the medieval pragmatic marriage (get you a spouse who can farm) to the industrial love marriage (get you a spouse who makes you happy) we have reached the postindustrial self-expressive marriage (get you a spouse who helps you be better). This modern marriage has its own challenges, but the author argues that when it works – when it's nurtured – it's by far the richest, most satisfying kind of marriage yet.
I'm not going to give away any of Finkel's tips here (mainly because I'm too tired to synthesize them usefully) but the subtext is that having a great marriage takes work, patience, and a willingness to communicate and compromise. It's worth picking up the book just for this section, because it contains clear and actionable advice.
Note that this is a very American-centric book. Most of the research referred to is American, and the examples and cultural references are American.
March 30, 2022
I read a lot of marriage books. Like a lot. I really enjoyed the first 3/4 of this book. Terrific insights based on relevant studies. But then it took a bizarre turn as so many marriage books do when they talk about sex. After offering so much wisdom, almost all of which is backed by his or other folks' studies, Finkel makes some rather unorthodox suggestions such as inviting your neighbor over for sex, trying out a polyamorous grouping, or watching pornography together. I'm perplexed. Is this book supposed to be help married couples improve and strengthen their marriages or not? Obviously, people should be free to do whatever they want with their bodies. But there's absolutely no data that suggests, for example, using pornography or engaging in VR sex or outsourcing/creating a diversified portfolio (his terms) will help your marriage to thrive. You know why? Because they won't. Sure, do it if that's what you like but then don't complain or wonder why your marriage isn't thriving. Fidelity is one of the characteristics that sets marriage apart from other relationships. Here's my advice: Want to spend your life with multiple partners or enjoy occasional hookups? Great. Don't get married. First two-thirds of the book would be 4 stars. Last third, zero. SMH.
March 10, 2022
If you're married and I talk to you in the next 6 weeks, I will probably talk to you about this book. I really liked it (just ask the stars). It was pragmatic, scientific, personal, and positive, with just enough graphs, studies, personal anecdotes, and pop culture references to keep me on my toes. When I went back to finish it after being married for 3 months, I thought it was too late for me, because I was already trapped, but the truth is, this is a book for people who are trapped! Like any good counseling, it has tools you can apply at any stage of life, and the author even tiers these ones according to what stage a relationship is in. I think my favorite part was that it didn't focus on any typical marital issues (besides naming them for reference), but was oriented around tangible solutions. I also loved reading about the history of marriage in western civilization. It was helpful for me in understanding my own place in all of it. I am a sucker for an explainer-type, how-to book about social science, though.
February 19, 2024
Finzel begins his book by uncovering how and why the perception of marriage has changed over time. Historically, marriage was focused on fulfilling basic needs such as safety and survival. As technology makes fulfilling these needs easier, individuals seek higher needs like belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. Finzel equates pursuing these higher needs to climbing a mountain. In order to reach higher altitudes, greater oxygenation is required. Finzel gives clear suggestions in Chapters 8-12 of how to provide a marriage with more oxygen. His suggestions include creating quality time for each other, practicing gratitude, evaluating the expectations placed on marriage, and seeing conflicts as opportunities for growth rather than signs of incompatibility.
I didn’t resonate with some of his suggestions for unburdening the marital relationship (consensual nonmonogamy) but was overall inspired to invest more time in my marriage!
"If we're seeking something extraordinary-a profound sense of connection-there's no substitute for significant dedicated time"
I didn’t resonate with some of his suggestions for unburdening the marital relationship (consensual nonmonogamy) but was overall inspired to invest more time in my marriage!
"If we're seeking something extraordinary-a profound sense of connection-there's no substitute for significant dedicated time"
May 2, 2018
This is not a usual self-help relationship book, but is instead a review of the history and science of marriage in the U.S., supporting the hypothesis that although we are asking more of our marriages than ever before, that "climbing to the top of Mount Maslow" is possible if we're willing to invest the time and energy to do it. Or, if you aren't, that you can build a perfectly fine "good enough" relationship but you should be honest about what you're expecting in that case.
It's fascinating, and also contains nuggets of wisdom and advice that could be applied to any relationship.
It's fascinating, and also contains nuggets of wisdom and advice that could be applied to any relationship.
August 7, 2018
This is a good read for those of you who, like me, love reading about interpersonal communication and relationships. I skimmed a lot of the history portion at the beginning but found that the practical ideas were interesting. I will likely be taking a few of the ideas Finkel suggests. I appreciate the academic tone of the book as well.
January 7, 2019
I first heard about this book on the Hidden Brain podcast on an episode entitled: “You 2.0: When Did Marriage Become so Hard?” The author of the book was interviewed to discuss how marriage is changed since it’s inception, what today’s successful marriages look like, and what we can learn from best practice applied to our relationships. I found the book to follow that same story arc was just much more detail (e.g. thorough research, anecdotes, etc.). I really appreciated the understanding that came from the author’s research on the institute of marriage. Mainly, the insight about how today’s marriages actually asked less from the institution from a low-altitude need perspective (i.e. think Maslow’s Hierarchy), but rather ask more from a high-altitude need perspective. Also, while today’s marriages are more difficult, for the main reason that we ask so much more from one person rather than a filling our needs from a healthy network of strong social connections, the relative few that are successful are far more happier than couples have ever been in history.
Perhaps the most practical information in the book is the section at the end on what the author calls “love hacks”, which are a series of exercises taken from the best practice of successful, long-term marriages between two, self actualized partners (e.g. Avoiding increased conflict from false attribution by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, thinking of compliments from your partner in the abstract rather than at a finite point in time, adopting a growth mindset versus romantic destiny, etc).
I found the book to be full of great information to improve any relationship, not just marriage. If that is on your list of goals, I highly recommend picking up a copy and giving it a read.
Perhaps the most practical information in the book is the section at the end on what the author calls “love hacks”, which are a series of exercises taken from the best practice of successful, long-term marriages between two, self actualized partners (e.g. Avoiding increased conflict from false attribution by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, thinking of compliments from your partner in the abstract rather than at a finite point in time, adopting a growth mindset versus romantic destiny, etc).
I found the book to be full of great information to improve any relationship, not just marriage. If that is on your list of goals, I highly recommend picking up a copy and giving it a read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 2, 2020
I would choose John M Gottman over him for marriage counseling. In fact, I think he sees Gottman as a bit of a threat and tries too hard to differentiate himself from him. Can he really prove that his theories are better(the title claims the "BEST" so I feel like I can ask this)? Not really. Because Gottman has been doing this longer. There was a startling evasion of racial data as well-- especially given how much time he talked about class. And too much time was spent recounting historical views when a chapter would have sufficed. Editorially, it needed to be streamlined a bit more.
That said, he did have a lot of good things to say, particularly in chapter 9. And he is right. All relationships go through ups and downs(regarding needs being met). His story about PPD was fascinating. But I just feel like the OSO theory runs into questionable territory and has less scientific research backing it up.
That said, he did have a lot of good things to say, particularly in chapter 9. And he is right. All relationships go through ups and downs(regarding needs being met). His story about PPD was fascinating. But I just feel like the OSO theory runs into questionable territory and has less scientific research backing it up.
March 4, 2019
I know this is sooo characteristic of marriage issues, but I had no idea others were going through same. Further, I had no idea people were talking about issues. Thanks to Eli, and every single individual he cited or who helped with this book.
May 22, 2019
I found this interesting - more as a intro to how marriage has evolved over the last 100 years and diving into different schools of thought on relationship styles. I would call this more informative than self help but it was enlightening for me.
July 23, 2021
An average read.
The first three sections of the book generally discuss the historical context of marriage without going into too much details. The last section quickly discusses techniques to keep element of fun in marriage and to salvage a rocky marriage.
The first three sections of the book generally discuss the historical context of marriage without going into too much details. The last section quickly discusses techniques to keep element of fun in marriage and to salvage a rocky marriage.
March 31, 2023
“to achieve long-term stability and success, we must remain compatible over time, even as we grow and change.”
did i read this for a class? yes.
did i find it interesting though? yes.
and definitely will be keeping it for when i get married (in 10 years).
did i read this for a class? yes.
did i find it interesting though? yes.
and definitely will be keeping it for when i get married (in 10 years).
October 30, 2017
Fine
I do t think I'd like the people who self consciously fulfill his vision of an ideal marriage very much.
I do t think I'd like the people who self consciously fulfill his vision of an ideal marriage very much.
January 20, 2021
That has been the best relationship related book that I have read for now. Thanks to the folks on Twitter that recommend it. It doesn't get much more evidence-based than that!
May 13, 2019
Really enjoyed both the history and the tips, both delivered in Prof. Finkel's immensely readable writing. I have been meaning to read this for a while because Prof. Finkel is married to my old coworker, whom I adore. Highly recommend for all my married friends.
October 13, 2017
Very readable introduction to the social-psychological literature on close romantic relationships!
May 26, 2022
Read this for class. I’m not married though.
March 31, 2019
I enjoyed reading this book. It contains a lot of facts and scientific research, but never reads like a dry textbook at all. It has a very good blend between facts, advice, insights, and so on.
I might re-read some parts in the future.
I might re-read some parts in the future.
January 14, 2024
Raw Notes on the All or Nothing Marriage Here
Overview
“I think a big issue, says an anonymous wife, is that we both want to be taken care of at the end of the day, and neither of us has any energy to take care of the other.”
“So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.” --- Esther Perel
The All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel is a deep investigation of how the dynamics and expectations on marriages in America have changed since roughly the colonial times. American marriages have seen three major shifts in emphasis:
1. Pragmatic Marriage: Colonial Period – 1850: premium placed on helping each other meet basic economic and survival needs
2. Love-Based Marriage: 1850 – 1965: premium placed on helping each other meet love and intimacy needs
3. Self-Expressive Marriage: 1965 to present: premium placed on helping each other meet their authenticity and personal-growth needs
These changing emphases mirror Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as American marriages transitioned from the fulfillment of lower needs during the pragmatic era, to middle needs during the love-based era, to higher needs during the self-expressive era.
But as Eli Finkel focuses within his book, success at these higher altitudes (i.e. self-expressive marriages) require a significantly level of investment in time and energy… One that not every participant in modern marriages has willingly made or adapted to.
In short, modern marriages are tougher than they have historically been given that economic progress and industrialization have made it easier to live alone, especially when compared to colonial times of the 1700s. And in short, this fact has made us require/request more from our marriages leading to a very large expectations gap that Finkel calls the All-or-Nothing Marriage.
Why Should You Read This Book?
In the All-or-Nothing Marriage, Eli Finkel describes an epidemic of sorts… one where we Americans ask more and more and more of our marriages, to the point of disappointment. In some ways, we have asked our spouses to be our lovers, friends, confidants, and everything under the sun. In essence, we depend too much on our spouse for things we should never have depended on them for. And the reality of the institution of marriage is that this was never what marriage was intended to become.
We have expanded our spouse’s responsibility for helping us fulfill our deepest emotional and psychological needs. And this All-or-Nothing approach to marriage is costing us dearly as the following two graphs shows:
You should read this book for a couple specific reasons:
• Historical Perspective: The book provides a historical perspective on the evolution of marriage, helping readers understand the changing expectations and dynamics over different eras in American history.
• Cultural Shifts: Finkel explores how societal and cultural changes, such as economic progress and industrialization, have influenced the expectations placed on marriages. The examination of these shifts contributes to a broader understanding of the societal context.
• Epidemic of Expectations: Finkel describes a modern epidemic where individuals increasingly expect more from their marriages, often relying on their spouses to fulfill a wide range of emotional and psychological needs. The book delves into the consequences of these heightened expectations on the institution of marriage.
• Challenges of Self-Expressive Marriages: Finkel argues that the self-expressive era comes with its challenges, requiring a significant investment of time and energy. The book explores the struggles that individuals face in meeting the elevated expectations of modern marriages.
• Graphical Illustrations: The inclusion of graphs in the book visually represents the impact of the all-or-nothing approach to marriage, offering readers a clear view of the challenges and costs associated with heightened expectations in marital relationships.
• Principles for Navigating Modern Marriages: Finkel introduces principles, such as the analogy between Cabernet and Pinot, to convey the idea that contemporary marriages require greater dedication and nurturance. He suggests that while modern marriages may be temperamental, those who invest effort can build something meaningful and thrilling.
• Reflection on Marriage Today: The book prompts readers to reflect on the current state of marriages, encouraging a critical examination of the roles, expectations, and investments individuals bring to their relationships.
In summary, the All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel offers readers insights into the historical, cultural, and psychological dimensions of marriage in America, making it a valuable read for those interested in understanding the complexities and challenges of modern marital relationships.
Principles That Stuck with Me
From Cabernet to Pinot
Marriage in America has changed from an institution approximating Cabernet to an institution approximating Pinot (at least in terms of characterization of wine grapes). Relative to marriages in earlier eras, marriages today require must greater dedication and nurturance, a change that has placed an ever-larger proportion of marriages at risk of stagnation and dissolution.
Basically, Eli’s point here is that American marriages today are temperamental, but those spouses who nurture it can build something thrilling
Moderate Your Expectations
It is sort of funny not funny how everything in life comes back to what you expect and what then happens. Marriage is no different. A great danger of the self-expressive era is that an inflexible, myopic focus on the top of Mount Maslow produces painful disappointment during periods when the marriage falls short of those expectations. Eli Finkel’s research for this book shows that spouses in the best marriages keep marital disappointment at bay by modulating their expectations to align with what the marriage can realistically provide. It is almost as if Useful Delusions are at play here. The best marriages are good at lowering their expectations as the circumstances dictate.
Final Thoughts
The integral question that Eli Finkel asks within his book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, is whether we are placing too many expectations on our marriages. Rather than expecting one person to meet all your needs, might you ask a spouse to meet a few, and get those other needs met in other ways or with other people outside of your marriage?
After completing this read, I find myself slowly realizing that I need to re-calibrate my expectations of my marriage but also most of my relationships be them work and personal. Towards the end of his book, Eli Finkel said something about John Gottman that really resonates with how I will approach relationships going forward: “I have often described my goal as fostering the good enough marriage.”
The pursuit of great can be an unnecessarily arbitrary and stressful pursuit that can cause more conflict and disappointment than it resolves. In contemporary American marriages, we have placed so much responsibility for our social and psychological fulfillment on one relationship, and this has turned the institution of marriage into something of a crucible.
Those of us seeking to develop terrific marriages do recognize that expecting sixty years of unmitigated bliss is a ridiculously tall order. Building a successful long-term marriage is supposed to be hard. It requires that spouses successfully navigate a dense thicket of challenges and opportunities, frequently without a good map of the route ahead.
Given the primacy of the marital bond in America today, many of us will be uncomfortable acknowledging that we simply are not able or willing right now to invest significant additional time and psychological energy to improve the relationship. This discomfort is misguided In All-or-Nothing Marriage Eli Finkel provides the answer that most of us simply won’t believe after reading his book… Might we all just be a little better off by asking our marriages to do less?
Easy to Read: (5/5) 100%
Deep Content: (5/5) 100%
Overall Rating: (5/5) 100%
Overview
“I think a big issue, says an anonymous wife, is that we both want to be taken care of at the end of the day, and neither of us has any energy to take care of the other.”
“So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.” --- Esther Perel
The All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel is a deep investigation of how the dynamics and expectations on marriages in America have changed since roughly the colonial times. American marriages have seen three major shifts in emphasis:
1. Pragmatic Marriage: Colonial Period – 1850: premium placed on helping each other meet basic economic and survival needs
2. Love-Based Marriage: 1850 – 1965: premium placed on helping each other meet love and intimacy needs
3. Self-Expressive Marriage: 1965 to present: premium placed on helping each other meet their authenticity and personal-growth needs
These changing emphases mirror Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as American marriages transitioned from the fulfillment of lower needs during the pragmatic era, to middle needs during the love-based era, to higher needs during the self-expressive era.
But as Eli Finkel focuses within his book, success at these higher altitudes (i.e. self-expressive marriages) require a significantly level of investment in time and energy… One that not every participant in modern marriages has willingly made or adapted to.
In short, modern marriages are tougher than they have historically been given that economic progress and industrialization have made it easier to live alone, especially when compared to colonial times of the 1700s. And in short, this fact has made us require/request more from our marriages leading to a very large expectations gap that Finkel calls the All-or-Nothing Marriage.
Why Should You Read This Book?
In the All-or-Nothing Marriage, Eli Finkel describes an epidemic of sorts… one where we Americans ask more and more and more of our marriages, to the point of disappointment. In some ways, we have asked our spouses to be our lovers, friends, confidants, and everything under the sun. In essence, we depend too much on our spouse for things we should never have depended on them for. And the reality of the institution of marriage is that this was never what marriage was intended to become.
We have expanded our spouse’s responsibility for helping us fulfill our deepest emotional and psychological needs. And this All-or-Nothing approach to marriage is costing us dearly as the following two graphs shows:
You should read this book for a couple specific reasons:
• Historical Perspective: The book provides a historical perspective on the evolution of marriage, helping readers understand the changing expectations and dynamics over different eras in American history.
• Cultural Shifts: Finkel explores how societal and cultural changes, such as economic progress and industrialization, have influenced the expectations placed on marriages. The examination of these shifts contributes to a broader understanding of the societal context.
• Epidemic of Expectations: Finkel describes a modern epidemic where individuals increasingly expect more from their marriages, often relying on their spouses to fulfill a wide range of emotional and psychological needs. The book delves into the consequences of these heightened expectations on the institution of marriage.
• Challenges of Self-Expressive Marriages: Finkel argues that the self-expressive era comes with its challenges, requiring a significant investment of time and energy. The book explores the struggles that individuals face in meeting the elevated expectations of modern marriages.
• Graphical Illustrations: The inclusion of graphs in the book visually represents the impact of the all-or-nothing approach to marriage, offering readers a clear view of the challenges and costs associated with heightened expectations in marital relationships.
• Principles for Navigating Modern Marriages: Finkel introduces principles, such as the analogy between Cabernet and Pinot, to convey the idea that contemporary marriages require greater dedication and nurturance. He suggests that while modern marriages may be temperamental, those who invest effort can build something meaningful and thrilling.
• Reflection on Marriage Today: The book prompts readers to reflect on the current state of marriages, encouraging a critical examination of the roles, expectations, and investments individuals bring to their relationships.
In summary, the All-or-Nothing Marriage by Eli Finkel offers readers insights into the historical, cultural, and psychological dimensions of marriage in America, making it a valuable read for those interested in understanding the complexities and challenges of modern marital relationships.
Principles That Stuck with Me
From Cabernet to Pinot
Marriage in America has changed from an institution approximating Cabernet to an institution approximating Pinot (at least in terms of characterization of wine grapes). Relative to marriages in earlier eras, marriages today require must greater dedication and nurturance, a change that has placed an ever-larger proportion of marriages at risk of stagnation and dissolution.
Basically, Eli’s point here is that American marriages today are temperamental, but those spouses who nurture it can build something thrilling
Moderate Your Expectations
It is sort of funny not funny how everything in life comes back to what you expect and what then happens. Marriage is no different. A great danger of the self-expressive era is that an inflexible, myopic focus on the top of Mount Maslow produces painful disappointment during periods when the marriage falls short of those expectations. Eli Finkel’s research for this book shows that spouses in the best marriages keep marital disappointment at bay by modulating their expectations to align with what the marriage can realistically provide. It is almost as if Useful Delusions are at play here. The best marriages are good at lowering their expectations as the circumstances dictate.
Final Thoughts
The integral question that Eli Finkel asks within his book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, is whether we are placing too many expectations on our marriages. Rather than expecting one person to meet all your needs, might you ask a spouse to meet a few, and get those other needs met in other ways or with other people outside of your marriage?
After completing this read, I find myself slowly realizing that I need to re-calibrate my expectations of my marriage but also most of my relationships be them work and personal. Towards the end of his book, Eli Finkel said something about John Gottman that really resonates with how I will approach relationships going forward: “I have often described my goal as fostering the good enough marriage.”
The pursuit of great can be an unnecessarily arbitrary and stressful pursuit that can cause more conflict and disappointment than it resolves. In contemporary American marriages, we have placed so much responsibility for our social and psychological fulfillment on one relationship, and this has turned the institution of marriage into something of a crucible.
Those of us seeking to develop terrific marriages do recognize that expecting sixty years of unmitigated bliss is a ridiculously tall order. Building a successful long-term marriage is supposed to be hard. It requires that spouses successfully navigate a dense thicket of challenges and opportunities, frequently without a good map of the route ahead.
Given the primacy of the marital bond in America today, many of us will be uncomfortable acknowledging that we simply are not able or willing right now to invest significant additional time and psychological energy to improve the relationship. This discomfort is misguided In All-or-Nothing Marriage Eli Finkel provides the answer that most of us simply won’t believe after reading his book… Might we all just be a little better off by asking our marriages to do less?
Easy to Read: (5/5) 100%
Deep Content: (5/5) 100%
Overall Rating: (5/5) 100%
Displaying 1 - 30 of 208 reviews